Energy Vampires Are Real Shit

Not kidding

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Hey you. Your weekly columnist reporting live from delicious emotional chaos. Inside today: the main essay, plus recommendations, behind-the-scenes notes, and details on our upcoming gatherings. Settle in.

Energy Vampires Are Real Shit

This is Nadja of Antipaxos, my favorite vampire nowadays. No, she’s not an Energy Vampire, don’t worry! She has fangs, see? EVs don’t have them.

We’ve all met Energy Vampires. I met a lot in Finland, although I respectfully disagree when people say Finns are gloomy and cold. Not because I want them to like me and let me live here permanently. Not because I want them to pay for my newsletter. Actually, the other day, a Finnish friend shouted my name when she saw me from afar! This really sparked my day: so good to occasionally meet you. See? Energy Vampires don’t do that, and they don’t live only in vampire-like lands such as Romania or Transylvania— believe me: there are a lot of them in Brazil, I even dated one a few years ago. EVs are pretty much all over the world and have bred into different kinds.

Let me refresh your mind: you probably know a Vibe Killer, who always brings something negative to whatever topic is going on. Sometimes it just takes them a glance or a comment to suck all the positivity out of a room—“Is that so?” one might say, making you feel small in a second. They can be competitive sometimes, topping something worse on a tragedy that is already rolling. They have great memories and will remind you of things humanity should probably forget about. This is not your friend who loves true crime series. An Energy Vampire will make the room go silent, and someone will finally beg: Let’s change the subject.

Colin Robinson, the official energy vampire. If you never heard of him, do yourself a favor and watch What We Do in the Shadows (HBO MAX).

There’s a hilarious TV show called What We Do in the Shadows that portrays the lives of three regular vampires, a familiar, and Colin Robinson, the Energy Vampire. They are being documented by a film crew, although they were supposed to live silently, in the shadows. Colin Robinson, though, is quite different from the other vampires: he can’t turn himself into a bat, has no fangs, and can sunbathe if he wants. He feeds on the energy of any person and other vampires, too, no matter how powerful they are. He is the best at turning ordinary topics into tedium. While people get sleepy from his boredom, he gets full power.

Just like Colin, Energy Vampires thrive at boring jobs in boring offices to feed on their colleagues by asking unnecessary questions about the printer or spreadsheets that no one cares about.

Not every Energy Sucker feeds on boredom, though. There are Misfortune Lovers who feed on whatever pitiful situation a person has. They can’t miss a funeral to ask, dig, spiral—until you finally say, “I don’t want to talk right now” only to hear “It’s okay, darling, I’m just SO VERY sorry for you.” Then a burp reveals: full of energy!

I met this Energy Vampire, whom we can call the Disillusionment Dealer, who had a dream job as a Finnish Culture teacher. She excelled at making everyone in the room hate this country, even when she talked about berries and mushrooms. Her mastery was to make unemployed foreigners terribly bad about being in Finland. She softly delivered harmless comments that would make everyone feel guilty for being here. Now, thinking back, she was quite fit for the amount of bad vibes she vibrated—Colin Robinson got overweight in an episode where he was feeding too much.

Even though we all can drain someone’s energy, that doesn’t make us energy vampires. I’m talking about the genuine ones here. This is not your friend who’s living a shit marriage and has been overengaged in evil gossip—she’s being a wicked person because she’s hurt. However, that guy from Tinder who thrives on your emotional deprivation and closure needs is probably part of the EV team. And anyone who gives silent treatment is probably an energy vampire, too. This is the most energy vampire thing to do, imho.

🧄

No fangs, yes. But sadly, we can’t shoo them away with garlic. You can kill an Energy Vampire by piercing a stake through its heart, but it’s too messy and criminal. A better option is to let them starve, and they actually can’t feed from people who know their worth, hold their boundaries, and feel solid in who they are. I remember this guy making the most boring monologue to a friend—I had rolled my eyes so many times, my eyeballs were already dizzy. When I look at her, she’s truly smiling and nodding. What did I get wrong?! That’s when I realized she wasn’t being affected. She is that kind of sunshine with so much good within that only sees good in people. Energy Vampires bounce back around her.

I don’t think I have enough goodness in me, so the best I can do to save my ass is this: acknowledge they exist, practice my boundaries, and avoid getting hurt unnecessarily whenever I can. Like the other day, when I dropped a message in the group chat and left an online Finnish class that was slowly draining the life out of me.

No big deal.
No guilt spiral.
Just a quiet exit.

🔪

But what if you can’t turn the camera off? What if Colin Robinson is your roomie, or your boss, your mom’s new boyfriend, or anyone you can’t dodge? In that case, limiting access is key. Share as little as possible of your energy, your stories, your time. Keep it to the minimum necessary—if it’s your boss, box meeting times, or bring another colleague into the meeting, whenever is proper.

If it’s a friend or a family member, my old trick is agreeing beforehand on getting late for dinner, even if it means I’ll miss the main course. And when the encounter is inevitable, I go slippery and shift my attention to other conversations, because energy vampires are trolls. There’s no point in spending your heart to try an honest conversation. If you push it, they’ll drain all your patience away until you rue it.

Boundaries are your garlic. You won’t regret using them generously.

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Secret Book Club — Last Sunday, we had our Secret Book Club N.17! Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead by Olga Tokarczuk brought up themes such as astrology, friendship, aging as a woman, and animal rights, which is the main theme of the book. If you’re curious to see how it went, click here. If you want to know more about the book and the author, there’s this amazing conversation with Olga and Dua Lipa.

Sharing — I was today years old when I heard about The Heroine’s Journey for the very first time! I need to get my hands on this book, and I firmly believe every woman in this world (or maybe in the Western world) should learn about it.

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