Today’s newsletter isn’t the softest — it might even be a little triggering. But I don’t want to make this a taboo. And since writing is how I process everything (the messy and the fluffy), that’s exactly what I’m doing here. If you prefer to skip the meltdown, click here to join us for a delicious, relaxing, and grounding session with Tereza on Tuesday, October 7, at 18:00.
The phone was vibrating inside the drawer. It was hard to answer that call because I had to peel off all the post-its stuck to the screen. When I finally hit the green button, I saw my husband’s scary face. The nurse had called him in Japan, and they were already sending an ambulance.
I was doing laundry, and had no idea the hospital would move this fast. I only filled out the online symptoms form because I was having another heart thing, with low blood pressure signs. I felt weak and didn’t want to faint alone at home. Nothing that serious.
Immediately after hanging up with my husband, the ambulance guy called, then a nurse from Kalasatama hospital. I told them I was okay — just feeling a little insecure.
At the beginning, I was clueless about what was happening, but those calls pulled back the curtain and showed something was off. So, like a good grown-up, I did the logical thing: cried like a baby.
The nurse called again (yes, more back-and-forth), and her questions yanked me straight down an Alice-in-Wonderland rabbit hole. Things started racing through me so fast I couldn’t trust my brain. Each new question made me more scared. Then she asked if I could be at the hospital in an hour.
I cried silently in the waiting hall. A kid stared at me, so I pretended to be reading a book, even though I had sunglasses on.
Rebelo.
That’s me.
A lovely nurse told me I was safe and handed me napkins to cry on. I cried and cried, but quietly — didn’t want to scare the other patients. They checked my heart: perfect. My blood pressure: also perfect. Oxygen: fine. For a second, I thought I might be pregnant. Nope — I got my period yesterday morning. I just didn’t understand what the f was going on with me. Why do I have these symptoms at home that vanish the second I get to the hospital?
When the doctor came, he asked more questions. By then, I was cynical, acid. Hungry, too — and worried about my dog (she hadn’t had lunch and it was almost 15:00!). His blue eyes and fearsome face made me wonder if I was scaring him. He checked my heart and lungs: nothing. This bitch is healthy, though possibly diagnosable as a chronic embarrassment at this point. Dramatic, yes — but not a liar. I felt those symptoms at home. So where the hell were they now?
A friend met me for a late lunch. She found me in disbelief: how had my brain created this entire situation? My heart is fine — it was just my panic brain faking a heart attack because I’m addicted to my phone.
xoxo,
Tássia
I was unsure whether to share this, but, althought I had a hard time at the hospital, now I’m feeling a big relif. Imagine dragging around a heavy iron ball your whole life and suddenly finding the key to unlock it. That’s how it feels.
This is a reminder it’s perfect fine not to feel good and seek for help. It’s not a failure getting a flu, or depression, or gastritis, or panic disorder. When it’s not okay, ask for help.
This is the website you should go if you’re not feeling well. If it’s an emergency, call 112. Mieli offers psychological support free of charge, they have chat, groups, counseling and a crisis helpline in English, Swedish and Finnish.
Our next workshop is a (much-needed!) delicious, relaxing, and grounding session with Tereza, click here and join us on Tuesday, Oct 7 at 18:00. See you there!
Sending love and hugs! 💖💖💖
🩵🩵🩵🩵