Where the Hell Do We Hang Out Now?
On third places, friendship after 30, and the secret life beyond your couch and your company Slack
Oh, hello! It’s me, Tássia — I’m here to make sure you don’t feel alone. I know a newsletter isn’t the ideal company, which is why we have an active community on WhatsApp filled with women who understand the feelings I share in these newsletters.
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This essay pairs well with an iced drink and 2000s rock nostalgia 🍟 Take six minutes and pretend we’re on a MySpace page with feelings.
TL; DR
Ever heard of a “third place”? It’s not home (that’s your first place) or work or school (second place) — it’s that other spot where you actually feel like yourself. Where you show up because you want to, not because you have to. For me, it was a park square down the street.
I didn’t call it a third place back then — I just knew it was where I felt free, seen, and kind of cool (despite the social awkwardness and occasional emotional chaos). Only later did I realize: that messy little corner of my teen years held something we’re all still craving as adults — connection, belonging, and a space to just be.
After doing my homework and watching my favorite TV show, I’d head to the nearby park square to meet my friends. Those people didn’t know I was a bit of a nerd and not quite fitting in at school, even though it was a small town.
The square was a five-minute walk from home and pretty safe, so I’d stay out until nine or ten, which felt like a late night for a fourteen-year-old. Sometimes my parents complained if I wanted to go every day, but honestly, the most concerning things were gossip and broken hearts. I have to admit: flirting was practically my first language as a teenager 🫦 — great material for my diaries, by the way.
But other than that, I was just hanging out, talking with people my age or a bit older, learning about rock bands, sharing our favorite albums, and swapping movie and music files.
The connections and conversations in that park were nothing like the interactions I had at school. I could express myself differently and be who I wanted to be. I could wear my clothes instead of a school uniform, and there was no pressure to be accepted. If I didn’t feel like I belonged one day, I could just not show up or find a different spot in the same park. I knew different groups anyway.
Those park square evenings gave me a kind of freedom that neither home nor school could offer. At home — just like at school — you don’t get to not show up. So you learn to be accepted, follow the rules, and be “lovable” by someone else’s standards. Maybe you push back a little, just to feel like yourself, maybe even become a rebel. But in a third space, that same behavior doesn’t get you in trouble. It helps you find your people and be accepted exactly as you are.
Okay, we’re not in school anymore — and sure, the lines between work and social life do blur, especially if you work for a super laid-back, beanbag-chair kind of company. Though let’s not get it twisted: even if your office feels like a third place, it’s not. You still have to watch your words, network strategically, make the right connections, and smile the right smiles.
The Office is not Your Third Place — No Matter How Chill Your Boss Is
Why “Third Places” Are Having a Hot Girl Era in the Age of Loneliness?
In an era of burnout and loneliness, it’s no surprise that the idea of a “third place,” a term from the 1990s, is popping up everywhere again. In his book The Great Good Place (1989), sociologist Ray Oldenburg defines a third place as:
Accidentally Built a Third Place by Writing
Secret Club hub is this newsletter and our WhatsApp group. We might not have a physical spot like a neighborhood café or park, but we have the heart of it. The conversations. The soul of a third place.
We know we’re women in our 30s who sometimes feel like flipping the table. We’re changing therapists (again), consulting our astrology charts for second opinions, and embracing a little magic — because why not?
We’ve reached a point in our lives when we can’t keep pretending to please other people. This shift can touch our career, relationships, or come as a sudden urge to travel the world. These changes shake up our friendships and the spaces we show up in — and sometimes leave us feeling alone.
Go Find Your Third Place, Babe
To encourage you to discover third spaces around you, I made a list of third places examples. If you think of something I’ve left out, let me know in the comments below!
🐩 Dog parks — show up consistenly at the same time. And if you don’t have a dog, you can always take care of a friend’s dog when she’s travelling. Just offer yourself seriously today.
💅 Hair or nail salons — but only if you’re a habituée.
📚 Book clubs are a perfect modern third space: social, regular, and easy to join. You just have to read the book and show up. If you just don’t like to read what everyone is reading, try the Silent Book Club, where people just gather to read together. It’s an amazing experience. They are in many cities globally.
♟ Board game cafes — not sure how common it is in different cities, but I’ve seen this not only here in Helsinki. I think people are usually friendly if you want to play games, and it’s an amazing way to create a bond.
👩🌾 Community gardens — I have no experience here, but a friend told me she had some activities with the garden in her area.
🛹 Skate parks, public pools, and sports clubs, like the Helsinki Sailing Club — if you’re showing up often, it’s a way to start smiling at people and eventually talking and making friends.
💼 Coworking spaces and Libraries (for freelancers who socialize there)
Fun fact: Helsinki has a bar that got this idea. It’s called Third Place!
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