Ways We Lose Ourselves and the Hermit’s Escape Plan
Watch out for people-pleasing if you don’t want to become a blurry blob version of yourself.
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Anitta recently released her new face on social media. Yes — not a new album, a new face! She’s a famous Brazilian singer and, just like Kylie Jenner, she has these plastic interventions not to look younger or prettier, but to look different. She’s said a few times that, for her, surgeries are just like getting a haircut.
People who feel no attachment to their original features freak me out. But more importantly, they make me wonder what it’s like to mirror a completely different person and not become a blurry blob version of yourself. Can these changes ever be detached from the outside noise of critics, haters, and fans?
I’m a people-pleaser in recovery. I naturally try to accommodate people’s needs before my own. Terrible, I agree. And worse, if you’re a people-pleaser, you can easily become a blob-maker, blurring who you are or the plans you make along the way.
Well, I’m not a famous, rich person making changes to my face, so let’s say it’s my birthday. Instead of simply setting a date and choosing my favorite place to celebrate, I start turning the whole thing into a confusing blob the moment someone asks, “Do they only serve appetizers over there?” Yes, trust me, a simple question like that can hijack my brain and send me spiraling into figuring out how I can accommodate whatever this person wants to eat, just to make sure she’ll come.
Then I’d find another place, and another time, and another date — every time someone asks something. (Notice: they’re not even complaining.) A few days later, I’ll have lost the energy to celebrate altogether and forgotten what the whole point was.
Oh, boy. I bet if you’re a “normal” person, you have no idea that insecure brains go to these places. They do, and it’s not anyone’s fault.
Being nice to people and attending to their needs usually comes with compliments that feel like a massage to our ego. But only until you realize the result will be something completely different from what you dreamed of at first. I’m not saying this was the case with Anitta’s new face — especially because she signed off on her changes before entering the surgery room. Meanwhile, I just let things roll.
I gave a birthday party example, but I feel this vibe in my entire existence. There’s always a fight between what I truly want versus what the world says is in fashion, what my family admires, what my mom compliments, what people comment on and like, or what I think my dad would be proud of.
I remember one of my best friends always double-checking if I wanted to have lunch at the place everyone was going. Day after day, she reminded me that I didn’t need to eat lunch somewhere I didn’t like just to be with the team.
Since we were kids, we’ve been getting compliments for things people like. And most of the time, people don’t check whether what they’re complimenting is something we actually want to be recognized for — they simply do it because it pleases them. And we end up accomplishing great things that aren’t necessarily what we want to keep doing or be known for. All good. We just have to be aware.
So instead of only thanking every compliment, now I also double-check whether it’s connected to who I want to become or the kind of output I want to create. I became suspicious, might admit.
When we stay true to ourselves, we’re more likely to capture some disagreements and negative comments because people can feel it fast when we’re not pleasing them anymore. To compensate ourselves for the discomfort of not getting immediate positive feedback, we need a clear picture of our future self — something I’m sure Anitta’s doctor showed her so she’d be sure she’d become exactly what she was expecting to become.
However, unlike Anitta, most of us don’t sign a consent form before making these small tweaks driven by the positive feedback that pulls us away from who we are. But we can choose to pause, reflect, and create our own vision. We owe it to ourselves to define what we want to look like — inside and out — so we don’t become just a blurry blob of what everyone else wants us to be.
What’s the vision of you that you’d sign off on today?
No one knows better than the Hermit about returning to your source. The ninth card of tarot is an invitation to pause and turn down the volume from the outside. You will be able to concentrate, listen to what’s coming from within you. Reorganize your favorite playlists to find the inner voice that will guide you to places you don’t want to turn over when you see the sign. This time you’ll feel like you belong, like home.
It’s about pulling back, not quitting. It’s a pause to check the map — look inside.
We live surrounded by forests but in modern flats, after all.
Silent Time to Create Headspace ☁️
Your brain will love it, and it’ll solve problems so much faster
— Schedule some no-phone, no-music, no-noise time. It can be a sauna session or a cup of tea by the window. Sometimes, the best I can do is a walk without my AirPods. I aim for at least 30 minutes per session, but even 10 minutes can feel like a Hermit’s mountain retreat.
Declutter One Tiny Thing 🗃
The Hermit loves simplicity.
— To honor this energy, choose one small area like your nightstand or a single drawer, and declutter it intentionally. Let go of items that no longer reflect who you are now. Clear out the noise to make space for your inner voice to come through.
Sacred “No” Practice ⛔️
The Hermit teaches us boundary-setting. '
— Write “no” on three Post-its, and make sure to use them this week for three things that drain you. Journal how it feels. I bet it’ll be much easier having the Post-its as a reminder and support.
Prompts for Journaling
🕯 What would I do differently if I started from scratch today?
🕯 What used to bring me joy at the very beginning?
🕯 Why did I start?
🕯 What do I know now that I didn’t know before, and how does it change things?
🕯 What’s the most special thing I’ve learned along the way?
If writing feels difficult, you can always make a list instead:
3 things that feel true for you right now
3 things you feel ready to release
3 things you want to carry forward
If you’ve reached this point, drop a 🕯 where I can see it. Over a thousand women like you are reading this same newsletter. If you feel like sharing your thoughts, leave a comment below — someone besides me might read it, and these shares are incredibly powerful.
People pleaser trying to recover here! Not easy, but I train at deceiving people with small things, and even if it still feels VERY uncomfortable, it’s also kind of liberating and proves me that the right people still care about me and love me.
Thanks for this text, Tássia. I can relate to what you wrote, and I'll start the post-it idea today!